June 20th-June 28th: Hamburg, Amsterdam, Rotterdam

For latecomers:

A recap.

I’m in Europe.

I’m socially inept and all sorts of insecure.

This is my blog.

SO.

First I went to Hamburg very briefly.

The hamburger did not come from Hamburg.

I had a Donnar that was the size of my head.

I took a very pleasant walking tour that ended in a miniature world museum

It was several countries portrayed with little figures/figurines/toys.

…What? That sounds totally lame.

NO! IT WAS AWESOME!

There are little trains that move, little cars that change lanes, a little concert where the musicians dance, the lights change from day to night, (basically everything we experience in life BUT SMALLER) (BUT SMALLER) (BUT SMALLER) (BBALLSINFACE!)

For some reason I had booked a Pub Crawl for the following night (in Amsterdam) but there was a Pub Crawl that night in Hamburg.

If you ask anyone, “Who’s the Pub Crawl Champion”

He, She or It will probably say “What the fuck are you talking about?”

But if you ask me-I’d say, “ME!”

So I went on this Hamburg Pub Crawl.

It consisted of 6 guys and 2 girls…

And out of those there was ‘a couple’.

C’mon guys, it’s 2012.

It was probably the most subdued pub crawl in the history of pub crawls (est. 198 BC)

It did, however, lead to KARAOKE

(I’m…getting…tired…of…piano man….) (Must…do…10…times) (I think I’m at 6?)

I’m very scattered but we have a lot to cover.

Hamburg has a little Red Light District (Prostitutes stand in a window with a red florescent light above)

Unlike Amsterdam (where it is all over the place) the RLD in Hamburg is a small street where women are not allowed to go or they get buckets of water thrown on them.

(That last sentence came off as: one of these two things are true:

1. Women are not allowed in the Hamburg Red Light District

OR

      2. Women get buckets of water thrown on them)

(You know what I meant)

Another difference between the Amsterdam RLD and Hamburg RLD is that Hamburg, along with the ones in the windows, has women in the streets. You can recognize them by their tantalizing fanny…

packs. They all have fanny packs.

Now, I’ve never been in anything like a RLD and it is surreal. Like the first time (and 3^{rd, 7th} and 12^th) time I went to a strip club-I regressed to a 12-year-old mid-pubescent boy + I giggled a lot.

Also-I have a bad habit of saying “Oh-I’m sorry-I have to go meet a friend-and then I’ll come right back” instead of “No thank you”

So somewhere in Hamburg there are about 32 prostitutes waiting for my friend and me.

32? BS.

No. There’s 100’s! Aside from the one lady of the night that grabbed my right moob (after which I giggled while sprinting for my life) here are two choice conversations.

(Before I knew I was in the Red Light District)

Candy: Hi

Gianmarco: Oh, Hello!

Candy: How are you?

Gianmarco: Very good, how are you?

Candy: Better now that you’re here.

Gianmarco: Oh, thank you very much. That’s very kind

Candy: Where are you from?

Gianmarco: New York City.

Candy: Really?

Gianmarco: Yeah! I love it there. Have you ever-

Candy: Wanna fuck me for 50 euro?

Gianmarco:

Candy: Whatever you want? Yeah, baby?

Gianmarco: That sounds really great…It’s just, I’m meeting a friend over there (pointing in a direction I did not intend to go but now I must) I’ll be right back.

Candy: You’ll come right back?

Gianmarco: Of course!

2^nd time:

(after being approached too many times, my politeness waning)

Joanna: Hey-

Gianmarco: No money, no money. I’m a poor student.

(grabbing me)

Joanna: Listen-

Gianmarco: I have to go meet-

Joanna: Sh. Just listen. What do you want right now? More than anything else.

Gianmarco: A nap.

So that was Hamburg.

And then

XXXAMSTERDAMXXX

So I thought it would be ingenious to write my Amsterdam entry as if I was really, really-

Well,

As if I had spent a little bit too much time at the coffee shops

Then I thought: Why only as if?

Here we go. Stream of Consciousness. I won’t edit this later:

So I went to the anne frank museum. That fuked me up.

It mostely was the pictures in the beginning of the sxhibit. They are a square of four pictures that I think Anne took for (aren’t you  impressed I can still capitalize the right word?????) passport purposes. That fucked me up. (SPELT IT RIGH TTHIS TIME)

The other time I got sad was when Anne-I mean, when I was on this walking tour-these bells rang and the tourguide said those are the bells that Anne talkes about that give her hope for the future-and I didn’t even remember that part but kind remembered passages like that and I started crying

It’s such a surreal experience to read a non-fiction and then confront it is non-fictional. Like, If you read one book. If you read one book that’s fictional and one non-fictional in a way they are equally true. The knowledge that one account is real doesn’t change (I think) the emotions the tale incites. Actually walking into Anne’s house was a surreal experience. That could be in theater?-maybe a book the set’s up a play-make that book a bestseller then the show is sold out!

I had the best burger two nights ago

It was this 20 gram/km/something Japanese beef-hamburger

But I added

Fried egg

Onions

Jalepenos

Avacado

Bacon

Mushroom(theregularkind)

So good

Not exactly a dollar menu option.

I’m so hungry but I don’t want to move

Torture museum stunk-it was ro- nevermindn I was about to say a bad joke

It was torturous –ROFLMZ!

Cannabis museum stank

The sexshow-the live…something show? Pretty cool. Cant write about it here. I volunteered.

Ksanfeo

How fst can I type the alphabet

Ready set

Go

Abcdefghjikm

FUCK

Abcdefghjijklm

GODD AMM-

ABCDEFGHJIKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

I DID I---NO I MESSED UP THE HJI!

ABCDEFGHJIK

NO

ABCDEFGHJI

ABCDEFGHJ

WTF

AV

DAMMIT

ABCDEFGHJI

AHHHH

ABCCD

…

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

YES

VICTORY

I’m back

Victory.

My muscles are dancing

I want that burguer

And fries

And dietcoke

Coke light as they called it here

I heard they used light because in some languaged diet means ‘god’ so it was god coke

I love diet coke but god coke is a little presumptuous

This person next ome just showed me that you an make the keys-the lights behind the keys brighter or lessbrgither. Woah

I bought some sneakers

Mine were wrose for wear

(what’s better for wear exactly?)

these sneakers are so beautiful I don’t want to wear them=-I’ll mess it up.

I’m listening to Bertrand Russell on my iphone-ki’m not smart

I need burger

Gonna go.

Thank you

Thank you

I saw an OSCAR STATUE TODAY!

Daniel Day Lewis

And that’s as far as I got before I started to eat a hamburger and fell asleep midbite.

There’s so much to say about Amsterdam and so much I shouldn’t say.

BUT.

I visited

Anne Frank House (and I was a fucking mess)

Van Gough Museum

Sex Museum (NYC’s is the winner so far)

Heineken Experience

Ultimate Party Pub Crawl

Cannabis Museum (F-)

Casa Rossa (A live sex show-where one performer put a permanent marker in her hoo-hah and drew the words “Bad Boy” on my tummy)

Wok on Wok (2 times)

Bob’s Burgers (3 times)

Maoz (3 times…even though there are plenty in NYC. The company that makes Maoz (is that what it’s called?) also created Wok on Wok and Bob’s Burgers) Geniuses)(Don’t know how many parenthesis to end this with))))

Well-I’m in Rotterdam now (I canceled The Hague and Brussels cuz I do what I wants.)

I went on the worst walking tour in the history of walking tours (est. 69 BCE)

I met a couple of philosophers that are Grad students in Canada.

WOAH

We will be traveling to the Hague for a daytrip today….cuz I do what I wants

If last night is any indication-I will spend most of the day listening and feeling intellectually inadequate.

THAT’S MY KIND OF DAY!

Tomorrow: Brugge

 I watched the movie last week. 

Not sure if I Brugge right.

Not gonna check.

I BOUGHT SOME NEW SHOES! THEY ARE RAINBOW NIKES!

That's all,

Thank you for reading,

Like holding your breath does for your appreciation of air

Traveling alone has made me miss you like HOLY SHIT!,

Me.